Worth Fighting For

So, I think that this past week has been one of the most emotionally draining and stressful weeks of my life. It started on Monday - Corey's business came to verbal agreements for a deal with a Brazilian investor two weeks ago. They were to go get the ok from their boards and then get back to each other. Corey's CEO took care of it in 3 days. Then they didn't hear from the Brazil guy. They finally got a hold of him this past Monday - he was in Las Vegas and had left the decision to his committee. That wasn't what was supposed to happened - he said that he was the one that had the power to make the decision. It made us worried that this deal was still not going to be finalized for another week or two. On Wednesday Corey said that his employees in Brazil were worried that the deal was going to fall through, cause the "decision with my committee" comment is Brazil business talk for trying to get out of the deal. Ugh. So then it's all still up in the air on Wed - by Thursday I was in tears with worry and playing "Master the Tempest is Raging" on repeat. It was my low point, spent a lot of time in the closet crying. The deal might fall through, Corey doesn't have any consulting checks coming in, we have $13k due for the business Amex on Monday, $4k insurance premium due on Tuesday or our insurance gets cancelled. And he's already got a negative balance in the bank. He doesn't like me to talk about this stuff, but I don't put it on our family blog. But right now this feels like my Abrahamic test. my trial, this is wrenching my soul. I don't even like the gas tank to be low or my cell phone to be uncharged - So big bills like this due with no funds to cover it? That equals super high stress for me. We are figuratively stuck in our tracks at the Red Sea, nothing but dunes all around, and pharaoh coming up behind us. What are we supposed to do? I know that we shouldn't murmur, but man, this is hard! They were facing a life and death situation. Our family's situation is not that dangerous, but it is emotionally stressful - we're facing a serious threat to our family finances, we are close to losing everything he's worked on for the past 10 years. the $700K he's put into this business could be gone. This quote from Sheri Dew's book "Worth the Wrestle" provided one of several answers I received today.

  I once had the privilege of meeting and interviewing Randall Wallace at his California home. Wallace came to prominence when he received an Academy Award nomination and a Writer's Guild Award for the screenplay to Braveheart. He has also written and in some cases produced, such movies as Secretariat, Pearl Harbor, the Man in the Iron Mask, We were Soldiers, and Heaven is for Real.
  I liked Wallace instantly. From Lizard Lick, Tennessee, his unassuming, country-boy, small-town background resonated with me. His family members were devout Baptists, and when he talked about spending twenty or thirty hours a week "going to church" (everything from the Boy Scouts to Sunday meetings), I felt as though I'd met a kindred spirit. 
  Prior to our interview, I watched the address he gave at the National Prayer Breakfast in 2011 and was struck by the sincerity of his message about the power of prayer. In our conversation, he was neither self-conscious nor self-righteous as he professed his belief in Jesus Christ and the impact the Savior had in his life. 
  His career, though celebrated now, has had its share of intense ups and downs. At one point, when he faced the possibility of losing just about everything, he said he was determined that if he went down, he would go down fighting for what he believed, "with his flag flying."
  When I asked why he had produced and written so many movies about war, his answer reinforced the rest of his story: "I don't think of them as war movies," he said. "I write love stories. I want to know what a man or woman loves enough to fight for. 

Intense ups and downs, that's an accurate description of what I'm feeling. Randall Wallace faced the possibility of losing just about everything <-- that is where we are right now. Ugh, it is not fun. But, what to we love enough to fight for. Corey's been fighting for this for years. Most of the fight is out of him though. He is weary. Did the children of Israel have to have the courage to fight? What options did they have? They are chastised in the scriptures for murmuring, though I think the murmuring is totally understandable. But when we murmur, it is against the Lord. Exodus 16:8. Topical guide topics for murmuring referenced to Disobedience, Rebellion, and Ungratitude. Satan was cast out because of rebellion. We don't want to be associated with these things. No matter the trial, we cannot murmur. We must have faith, and if we sink, we need to be like Wallace tried to be and go down with our flag flying. So that is what Corey and I will do. We'll trust that we are in good hands, loving hands (Pres. Uchtdorf "Three Sisters") but if it is God's will that our life take a different course than the one we've been working on, hoping for and praying for, then we need to face that with faith in his plan and go down with our flag flying!

Also, I taught Hyrum's Sunday School class at church today. The lesson was on asking questions. I talked about how as I've been studying scriptures this week, I've been pondering and asking "What were the Children of Israel supposed to do when they were at the Red Sea?" They were in a helpless and hopeless situation! I think it's okay to cry and worry, but we can't murmur. Yes, they were facing death. Then an answer came to my mind - when the Children of Israel were facing death, they could have said to each other like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego,"the God we serve is able to serve us, but if not..." (Daniel 3). Or they could have done as the people of Ammon did - kneel and praise God as their Egyptian enemies came upon them (Alma 24). If our enemies destroy us, we shall go to our God and shall be saved (Alma 24:16). Keep an eternal perspective. If we lose all our money or if the business tanks, it's no worse than what people in Puerto Rico are facing in the wakes of the hurricanes, or those suffering from the fires in California.

Another answer from my questions this week: I also led the discussion in our study group this past Wednesday, the lesson was on Genesis 37-50 and Joseph of Egypt. I loved this part of the introduction in bold below:

“The story of Joseph, the son of Jacob who was called Israel, is a vivid representation of the great truth that ‘all things work together for good to [those] who loved God.’ (See Rom. 8:28.) Joseph always seemed to do the right thing; but still, more importantly, he did it for the right reason. And how very, very significant that is! Joseph was sold by his own brothers as a slave and was purchased by Potiphar, a captain of the guard of Pharaoh. But even as an indentured servant, Joseph turned every experience and all circumstances, no matter how trying, into something good. 

“This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. Joseph, although a slave and wholly undeserving of this fate, nevertheless remained faithful to the Lord and continued to live the commandments and made something very good of his degrading circumstances. People like this cannot be defeated, because they will not give up. They have the correct, positive attitude, and Dale Carnegie’s expression seems to apply: If you feel you have a lemon, you can either complain about how sour it is, or you can make a lemonade. It is all up to you.” (Hartman Rector, Jr., “Live above the Law to Be Free,” Ensign, Jan. 1973, p. 130.)  

It reminded me of this quote by Joseph Smith:

George A. Smith, who served as a counselor to President Brigham Young, received the following counsel from the Prophet Joseph Smith at a time of great difficulty: “He told me I should never get discouraged, whatever difficulties might surround me. If I was sunk in the lowest pit of Nova Scotia and all the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I ought not to be discouraged but hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage and I should come out on the top of the heap at last.”

So my emotions have gone full circle. I was in deep despair last week. Today things are just as scary and uncertain, but my trust has been restored, No matter what happens, I believe and trust that it's gonna be okay! I'm going to continue to fight the doubts and worries. Even if it means 13 years unjustly imprisoned like Joseph of Egypt, I'll trust that God has a plan for us.

Doubt is a broken record that plays inside my head
I try to turn it down, but I can't quite drown it out
I'm tortured everyday, these never ending worries, pulling on my sleeves

So many times now I was supposed to tap out
All the walls would fall down around me
All anybody would tell me, is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay 

No matter what you've been through here you are
No matter if you think you're falling apart
It's gonna be, okay

And there is a battle raging in your heart but you must win
It comes for all of us, saying we are not enough
So fight for your life the worlds gonna try
To sell you some lies

So many times now I was supposed to tap out
All the walls would fall down around me
All anybody would tell me, is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay

No matter what you've been through here you are
No matter if you think you're falling apart
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, okay

It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay

No matter what you've been through here you are
No matter if you think you're falling apart

It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, okay

Acceptance

I've recently joined a little online community of mom's who are working on goals - it's called the Everyday Joi Community - I found it through Holly Rigsby who I found years ago through a exercise program she has. Anyway, on facebook I saw she was inviting people to participate in a "Courage Challenge" so I signed up. She's been teaching us about the triple A formula - AAA: being Aware of our life, Accepting our life, and then taking Action to improve our life. She said very often we hurry from aware to action and skip over acceptance. That is what I've been doing and she's been helping us make sure we don't skip acceptance. But I haven't really been able to get into my head how I'm supposed to accept. Well last night I had a breakthrough I think and I typed this up on my blog on that community, thought I'd share it here too, since it was a conference talk that helped it click in my head and I pull in a few other gospel truths too. I hope I really do get it now and that I know how to make it work in my life! Be kind to others, be kind to ourselves.

Here's my post I just finished typing and sharing:

ACCEPTANCE - Insights and Breakthrough 

So I’ve been having a hard time getting “acceptance” into my head, but I think I finally had a breakthrough last night! I’m probably going to ramble here but I’m going to try my best to get all my thoughts out before the little ones wake up from nap time.  So – as Holly said in a recent periscope that “priorities” had a negative connotation to her because people would use it negatively, as in “Well you just don’t have your priorities straight…” I think I’ve been the same with with acceptance. It had a negative connotation of “Well you just have to accept it…” giving feelings of resentment, resistance, and reluctance – ironically the exact opposite of Acceptance! So I’ve been thinking about acceptance and this is where I had a breakthrough last night – I was reading a story from one of my church’s leaders where he was a mission president and one of his young missionaries wanted to go home. The president, not really listening with ACCEPTANCE, just told him “We can fix this!” (aka jumping right to ACTION, right?) He told the missionary to forget himself and go to work focusing on others and to call him in a week. The missionary called a week later and still wanted to go home. Again the mission pres told him to work harder and call him in a week. The next week it was the same. But at that meeting, in a moment of clarity, the mission president felt he should dig deeper and he ask him “What is hard for you?” The missionary replied  “President, I can’t read….” The mission president realized the ACTION he was taking was not what was needed cause he was not truly AWARE nor had he ACKNOWLEDGED this missionaries feelings or true concerns. Quoting from the talk “The wise counsel which I thought was so important for him to hear was not at all relevant to his needs. What he needed most was for me to look beyond my hasty assessment and allow the Spirit to help me understand what was really on this elder’s mind. He needed me to see him correctly and offer a reason to hope. Instead, I acted like a giant demolition wrecking ball.”

Again this made ACCEPTANCE click for me. This mission president, thinking he was AWARE of the situation, gave him an ACTION to take that he was sure would fix it, but he wasn’t really aware nor had he accepted how this missionary was really feeling. Instead of just jumping from what we THINK we are aware of and then straight to ACTION, we’re got to ask and dig and make sure we know it and then love ourselves or others in the situation we are in. For those who know the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus books – this is exactly the thing that makes men and women collide sometimes – the Men put on their “fix it” hats and want to take action, where women mostly just need/want to be understood and accepted! So, with the help from this talk, my aha is that acceptance is NOT negative (and I don’t know that I even really realized I was thinking of it negatively) but to be truly AWARE is positive and ACCEPTANCE is positive and embracing and now I’m going to insert LOVE there with acceptance, accept with love. 

So, moving this over to my own season and focus right now – Getting my house in order. I was telling myself “Yes, I am AWARE that my home is a mess and I am not organized!” I didn’t really know how to accept that or what acceptance looked like, but I was still ready again to jump to action, and I would have had not Holly repeatedly and aboslutely forbidden it. So, I couldn’t just jump and find a set of household rules on the internet or a homemaking cleaning schedule on pintrest. I had to figure out how to accept my house. So last night I thought about this missionary story and what my real concern might be… I think instead of it just being a neutral HOUSE that I’m wrestling with, it’s more my family and really MYSELF! The No show audit helped me realize I was blaming others. I’m going to stop blaming them even when it’s just in my thoughts. I made a goal this week to keep MY room clean and MY bathroom counter clear and I’m 48 hours into it and THEY ARE BOTH STILL CLEAN! That is a small miracle ladies, WIN! And wow, already “unstuck” in one area!! Cause usually I blame others for their messy room and mine too …. “Well you kids don’t have an excuse! Of course my room is messy cause all you guys come in my room and mess it up.” But now I’m become awake and aware that I have power, I have choice, I can do what it takes to keep my area clean, and it feels good! And I’m looking around the house now and see that the kids do help quite a bit, but I was usually looking for where they didn’t help and noticing where we were all lacking. Some of the quotes shared this week have helped me, “Eat like you love yourself, Move like you love yourself, Think like you love yourself, and ACT like you LOVE YOURSELF!” See, it comes back to LOVE!! I’m going to clean like I love this home (and I do!) and like I love my family (Cause I do!!) I have noticed for a long time that I’m not as affectionate, kind, or loving as I’d hope a mother would be, probably cause I’m always telling or thinking of how busy I am and how much there is to do. No more.  I’m ready to accept and love myself and accept and love my life, and I do love it. I have just been focusing on the wrong thing and that’s kept me stuck. Like that mission president thinking the missionary just needed to work harder, but that was focusing on the wrong thing. Once they focused on the right thing, the missionary was able to take the correct steps to get help and hope and get him unstuck from his situation and hopeless frustrated attitude. He learned how to read and stayed and served the rest of his mission. This talk that helped me was one I listened to last night called “Lord Wilt Thou Cause That My Eyes May Be Opened“

I also loved the quote last night shared here by I can’t remember who, but I wrote it out and it’s on our fridge by our treasure map – “Sometimes on particularly rough days, I like to remind myself that my track record for geting through hard days is 100%, and that’s really good!” That quote also helped me get acceptance into my mind – love myself, love my life, I will make it through this! I have made it through everything else so far, 100% and that is pretty good.

Two more stories – Stephanie Nielsen is a Mormon blogger who was burned in a plane crash years ago. She has a book called “Heaven is Here”. In that book she wrote about as she was waking up from her coma, she knew she had been hurt and severly burned but would not look in the mirror. She did not want to look in the mirror and did not wanting to be aware of or accept what she looked like now with her scarred face. It took her a long time to be brave enough to look in the mirror. But finally she had to accept herself and she said “This is not going away” and it was still so hard to not miss her old body and pre-plane crash face, but she took that first step and looked at her new face. She has learned to accept that this is her new life, and it is different from the life she had, but it is good, very good. Short youtube of her story here. 

And last one – If any of your know the Piano Guys, I’ve been listening to their song “It’s Gonna Be Okay” today, and I think that it is a perfect song to listen to when we are practicing ACCEPTANCE, especially the line: No matter what you’ve been through, HERE YOU ARE. No matter if you think you’re falling apart, it’s gonna be okay. Like Stephanie – her scars were not going away, this is where she is at, and it’s a new life and it’s a good life, It’s going to be okay. We need to accept it with love, it will be okay! Ironically, that piano guys song came out last year one month before the daughter of one of the guys in the group, Jon Shcmidt, went missing while hiking. They did eventually find and recover her body, she fell off a cliff and they found her body, but they accepted it with faith in God’s plan for them and that he was aware. I’ll just share this post from my family blog that I wrote a year ago before they found her or knew for sure what happened – I wrote it admiring their faith and that they could still say “it’s gonna be okay” now in the face of a trial like that. Acceptance can be hard but we can live, we must life and go on and life is okay and we can even still love life and find joy in it. In this life or in the next, our heart aches will heal, WE WILL SEE OUR LOVED ONES AGAIN, I know we will! All things will be made right. (Another great General Conference talk from April that helped me so much – God Shall Wipe Away All Tears)

Final note for this dumping of my thoughts… I’m grateful for a comment Holly made yesterday that it’s okay if our thoughts or posts are jumbled – the important thing is to show up and share. With that comment in my head I”m hoping to make the time to share a bit more over these next 5 weeks. And for those that read what I post, just a heads up that usually when I share there will be lots of thoughts and quotes from my faith (like there are in this post!) cause that is usually where I go first to look for answers. I especially love LDS General Conference. We have it two times a year, about 12 hours of talks given by our leaders in the spring and fall every year. I love General Conference because they give real life examples and help us see through those stories how we can apply the principles of the gospel to our lives. (This one about MIRACLES is SOOOO GOOD!) The teachings of the scriptures relate to our lives today even if they are from two thousand years or 5000 ago, they can be applied to our circumstances! So, forgive me if I insert spiritual things too much, I’ll try not to be overbearing though! But praying and reading scriptures are something I focus on daily and I have a little weekly check list where I check off my prayers and reading of scriptures, cause those things do get me in the right mindset and I also believe that God will help me find the answers I need when I ask him for help. This challenge is an answer to those prayers and I know it will help me better apply principles of the gospel that I believe in that I’ve been falling short at, like loving and accepting myself and others. For me, faith isn’t just praying and hoping, it is working. Mormons are sometimes accused that we think our works will save us, but while we do know that it is by grace that we are saved, we also know that “Faith without works is dead” – James 2:20.  Like Holly said (Tues Periscope shoulder shake I think) that we can’t just pray to lose weight, we’ve got to get up and DO SOMETHING. Our whole life is our chance to prove and DO what we say we believe in, whatever it is that’s important to us. In a scripture study group yesterday we talked about Abraham offering Isaac – God maybe knew what Abraham would do, and Abraham probably knew he would obey anything God told him to do, but still he had to PROVE it and DO it and he was ready and going to do sacrifice Isaac until an angel came and stopped him. We need to be ready to DO what God or our instincts or the universe tell us. This is the only mortal life we have! This is the time for us to live and do and prepare for what’s next! Alma 34:32. Ok! there’s my soap box, I’m really excited that I think I finally understand acceptance and now I hope I can learn to ACCEPT (a happy and good thing!) in more areas of my life and I’ll stop resisting the problems I see and I'll learn to accept them and they won’t persist or keep me stuck anymore, hooray!​