Worth Fighting For

So, I think that this past week has been one of the most emotionally draining and stressful weeks of my life. It started on Monday - Corey's business came to verbal agreements for a deal with a Brazilian investor two weeks ago. They were to go get the ok from their boards and then get back to each other. Corey's CEO took care of it in 3 days. Then they didn't hear from the Brazil guy. They finally got a hold of him this past Monday - he was in Las Vegas and had left the decision to his committee. That wasn't what was supposed to happened - he said that he was the one that had the power to make the decision. It made us worried that this deal was still not going to be finalized for another week or two. On Wednesday Corey said that his employees in Brazil were worried that the deal was going to fall through, cause the "decision with my committee" comment is Brazil business talk for trying to get out of the deal. Ugh. So then it's all still up in the air on Wed - by Thursday I was in tears with worry and playing "Master the Tempest is Raging" on repeat. It was my low point, spent a lot of time in the closet crying. The deal might fall through, Corey doesn't have any consulting checks coming in, we have $13k due for the business Amex on Monday, $4k insurance premium due on Tuesday or our insurance gets cancelled. And he's already got a negative balance in the bank. He doesn't like me to talk about this stuff, but I don't put it on our family blog. But right now this feels like my Abrahamic test. my trial, this is wrenching my soul. I don't even like the gas tank to be low or my cell phone to be uncharged - So big bills like this due with no funds to cover it? That equals super high stress for me. We are figuratively stuck in our tracks at the Red Sea, nothing but dunes all around, and pharaoh coming up behind us. What are we supposed to do? I know that we shouldn't murmur, but man, this is hard! They were facing a life and death situation. Our family's situation is not that dangerous, but it is emotionally stressful - we're facing a serious threat to our family finances, we are close to losing everything he's worked on for the past 10 years. the $700K he's put into this business could be gone. This quote from Sheri Dew's book "Worth the Wrestle" provided one of several answers I received today.

  I once had the privilege of meeting and interviewing Randall Wallace at his California home. Wallace came to prominence when he received an Academy Award nomination and a Writer's Guild Award for the screenplay to Braveheart. He has also written and in some cases produced, such movies as Secretariat, Pearl Harbor, the Man in the Iron Mask, We were Soldiers, and Heaven is for Real.
  I liked Wallace instantly. From Lizard Lick, Tennessee, his unassuming, country-boy, small-town background resonated with me. His family members were devout Baptists, and when he talked about spending twenty or thirty hours a week "going to church" (everything from the Boy Scouts to Sunday meetings), I felt as though I'd met a kindred spirit. 
  Prior to our interview, I watched the address he gave at the National Prayer Breakfast in 2011 and was struck by the sincerity of his message about the power of prayer. In our conversation, he was neither self-conscious nor self-righteous as he professed his belief in Jesus Christ and the impact the Savior had in his life. 
  His career, though celebrated now, has had its share of intense ups and downs. At one point, when he faced the possibility of losing just about everything, he said he was determined that if he went down, he would go down fighting for what he believed, "with his flag flying."
  When I asked why he had produced and written so many movies about war, his answer reinforced the rest of his story: "I don't think of them as war movies," he said. "I write love stories. I want to know what a man or woman loves enough to fight for. 

Intense ups and downs, that's an accurate description of what I'm feeling. Randall Wallace faced the possibility of losing just about everything <-- that is where we are right now. Ugh, it is not fun. But, what to we love enough to fight for. Corey's been fighting for this for years. Most of the fight is out of him though. He is weary. Did the children of Israel have to have the courage to fight? What options did they have? They are chastised in the scriptures for murmuring, though I think the murmuring is totally understandable. But when we murmur, it is against the Lord. Exodus 16:8. Topical guide topics for murmuring referenced to Disobedience, Rebellion, and Ungratitude. Satan was cast out because of rebellion. We don't want to be associated with these things. No matter the trial, we cannot murmur. We must have faith, and if we sink, we need to be like Wallace tried to be and go down with our flag flying. So that is what Corey and I will do. We'll trust that we are in good hands, loving hands (Pres. Uchtdorf "Three Sisters") but if it is God's will that our life take a different course than the one we've been working on, hoping for and praying for, then we need to face that with faith in his plan and go down with our flag flying!

Also, I taught Hyrum's Sunday School class at church today. The lesson was on asking questions. I talked about how as I've been studying scriptures this week, I've been pondering and asking "What were the Children of Israel supposed to do when they were at the Red Sea?" They were in a helpless and hopeless situation! I think it's okay to cry and worry, but we can't murmur. Yes, they were facing death. Then an answer came to my mind - when the Children of Israel were facing death, they could have said to each other like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego,"the God we serve is able to serve us, but if not..." (Daniel 3). Or they could have done as the people of Ammon did - kneel and praise God as their Egyptian enemies came upon them (Alma 24). If our enemies destroy us, we shall go to our God and shall be saved (Alma 24:16). Keep an eternal perspective. If we lose all our money or if the business tanks, it's no worse than what people in Puerto Rico are facing in the wakes of the hurricanes, or those suffering from the fires in California.

Another answer from my questions this week: I also led the discussion in our study group this past Wednesday, the lesson was on Genesis 37-50 and Joseph of Egypt. I loved this part of the introduction in bold below:

“The story of Joseph, the son of Jacob who was called Israel, is a vivid representation of the great truth that ‘all things work together for good to [those] who loved God.’ (See Rom. 8:28.) Joseph always seemed to do the right thing; but still, more importantly, he did it for the right reason. And how very, very significant that is! Joseph was sold by his own brothers as a slave and was purchased by Potiphar, a captain of the guard of Pharaoh. But even as an indentured servant, Joseph turned every experience and all circumstances, no matter how trying, into something good. 

“This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. Joseph, although a slave and wholly undeserving of this fate, nevertheless remained faithful to the Lord and continued to live the commandments and made something very good of his degrading circumstances. People like this cannot be defeated, because they will not give up. They have the correct, positive attitude, and Dale Carnegie’s expression seems to apply: If you feel you have a lemon, you can either complain about how sour it is, or you can make a lemonade. It is all up to you.” (Hartman Rector, Jr., “Live above the Law to Be Free,” Ensign, Jan. 1973, p. 130.)  

It reminded me of this quote by Joseph Smith:

George A. Smith, who served as a counselor to President Brigham Young, received the following counsel from the Prophet Joseph Smith at a time of great difficulty: “He told me I should never get discouraged, whatever difficulties might surround me. If I was sunk in the lowest pit of Nova Scotia and all the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I ought not to be discouraged but hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage and I should come out on the top of the heap at last.”

So my emotions have gone full circle. I was in deep despair last week. Today things are just as scary and uncertain, but my trust has been restored, No matter what happens, I believe and trust that it's gonna be okay! I'm going to continue to fight the doubts and worries. Even if it means 13 years unjustly imprisoned like Joseph of Egypt, I'll trust that God has a plan for us.

Doubt is a broken record that plays inside my head
I try to turn it down, but I can't quite drown it out
I'm tortured everyday, these never ending worries, pulling on my sleeves

So many times now I was supposed to tap out
All the walls would fall down around me
All anybody would tell me, is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay 

No matter what you've been through here you are
No matter if you think you're falling apart
It's gonna be, okay

And there is a battle raging in your heart but you must win
It comes for all of us, saying we are not enough
So fight for your life the worlds gonna try
To sell you some lies

So many times now I was supposed to tap out
All the walls would fall down around me
All anybody would tell me, is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay

No matter what you've been through here you are
No matter if you think you're falling apart
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, okay

It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, gonna be, okay

No matter what you've been through here you are
No matter if you think you're falling apart

It's gonna be, gonna be, okay
It's gonna be, okay